c'est la vie

I’m so sick of trying to make friendships work. Yes, I do realize that there needs to be effort put in so that one can survive, but true friendships are not this hard to maintain. There shouldn’t have to be set hangout times, or constant texts, or everything explained in full detail. It should just work. And honey, this just isn’t working.

I’m headed home this weekend. It couldn’t have come any slower and I’m positive that this day will drag on forever. For the past few days I have been having trouble dealing with my emotions. Not just getting sad or upset from time to time, but hard core, full sob sessions just at the thought of not being home. It is as if someone decided to screw around with my hormones this month and there is nothing I can do about it.

I’m planning on using this weekend like a reset button:

• Resetting my stomach and my diet
• Resetting my attitude of this summer, living without expectations, with a willingness to take risks, and letting my guard down
• Resetting my attitude on my last week at K and enjoying my friends before I don’t see them for 15 weeks, some until next spring
• Resetting my outlook on myself and allowing myself a break from self judgement from time to time.

He never wanted kids. But here Kevin was, four years in, sitting and watching his daughter ride around the carousel with a grin encompassing her small, delicate face. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Madison, he just never seen himself growing up to be a father.

Kevin was living the life that many dreamed of. He was married to a beautiful woman who he met in college. Kari was an all conference track star with a killer smile, long blonde hair, and a body that many women would do anything for. She loved to curl up on the couch and watch the game during Sunday afternoons. He was never nagged about taking the trash out or cleaning up dinner. The only problem was that he didn’t like the idea of spending his life with one person. He never had. It wasn’t that he had ever cheated, or ever would, but he had always seen himself as the eternal bachelor.

Kevin had everything he should want, but he still felt like something was missing.

“Daddy!” His little girl’s voice brought his thoughts back to the carousel and Madison. She ran over to him with so much enthusiasm that she plowed in his legs, making him have to catch his balance.

 “Did you see me? I went so fast!”

He had a gorgeous daughter who was smart, talkative and going to be a looker when she got older. She hadn’t had gone through the terrible twos, and as of right now, and she hadn’t yet turned into a brat like some of the teenagers he knew.

“Yes, honey, I saw you.”

Walking hand in hand, he looked down at her strawberry blond curls clipped together with a yellow bow, her favorite color at the moment, and he wondering how something so delicate could be amidst such a harsh reality.

He had never told anyone the real reason he hadn’t wanted to bring a child into this world, not even Kari. Sure, life would be a lot easier, they would have more money to do what they wanted rather than raise a child, and PTA, soccer games, or dating wouldn’t have to cross their minds, but in all honesty, this world was falling to shit. Why should he bring a living being into something that was falling apart and expect them to fix it for their children when he couldn’t even do that?

“Dad, if you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?”

Here was his chance. He could come clean and be honest. Sure she was only four, but she had to learn at some point that the world isn’t always a warm and inviting place like it seems to be during childhood. Nothing works out in the way anyone wants it to.

Instead he spared that realization for Madison. Once innocence and ignorance is gone, it is lost forever. 

“I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else, sweetie.”

I need to realize that I am worth more than I give myself credit for and I can do better than I think I can. 

I met a guy.